I Gave Up Control

I've not posted very much this year, probably because this year we've been so relaxed with our schooling and the girls have been very independent that there has really not been much that I could think to write on. Plus, with my girls being so much more independent I've been working more with my photography business. My oldest also has her first job and we just stay super busy. However, in looking back where I was a year and a half ago to today I started to think about our journey and where it's gotten us.

In previous posts, you will have seen where we stopped doing school completely. My kids didn't stop learning, but the textbooks stopped. We gained SO much from that 7 months that are beyond all textbooks. You can read on our previous journey on the links below.

• We Quit School
• Child Led Learning in JUST the First Week
• What If We Trust?
• There's Value in Being Relaxed

Today I decided that I wanted to talk about more than what this journey did with our school, but also in the way it really changed me in how I parent. 

Let me tell you, before we took the unschooling journey some of our days were pretty stressful. Not only did I focus on getting science labs in, curriculums finished, and chores done, but I think I wanted to mold my children into the perfect kids because I didn't want to be judged by other moms...because we have always used that phrase, "What you do becomes a reflection of me?" It's ten times worse when you are a homeschool mom, because that ACT also score reflects if mom did a good job or not...or so I thought. While we did have some fun days of projects and still loved our homeschool freedom, now that I had entered the teenage world, we definitely had some days of yelling. However, everything changed in 7 months. Yes, I mean it. I think I am totally a different parent because of how we decided to change our lives for those 7 months. 

The hardest part about month one of not doing school was the constant thinking of, "They aren't doing anything. They need to be doing something. Why aren't they doing something? How can I get them to do something?" Oh my goodness. I was a ball of stress. My attitude wasn't good. I didn't quite adapt well at first to this whole unschooling thing. I wasn't supposed to tell the kids to do anything so I was having to bite my tongue. It was oh so hard when I just wanted to see them learning something. I wanted to see results immediately. If you read up on unschooling, it doesn't happen overnight, kids have to deschool. They literally have to get bored for a while, which could be months to get busy and start taking control. It wasn't until probably month two that I realized what had happened. 

I was giving up control. 

Yep, I realized that was why I was a ball of stress. It was that hard for me to release some control. It was so hard for me to just sit back and "see what happens." I remember crying in tears and expressing to my husband if I didn't know if this was the right thing or not. I remember being so scared that if we missed some time doing school I was really screwing them up. What if they were behind? Oh my gosh, it was the end of world. What was actually happening though through this process was that with me giving up control, my girls were taking control. I'm going to say that one more time so maybe you let it click. 

While I was giving up control, my girls were taking control.

And while you can see how this can happen in learning, there are plenty of blogs on it, this started to apply to our lives in parenting teenagers. My friend, Becky Ogden, used to have a blog herself which truly helped me see the whole unschooling process in detail. It was called the Self Directed Homeschooler. Now, while I don't quite unschool anymore, we are so much more relaxed in what we do. However, I do see similarities in how Becky and I parent today. I've opened up to Becky on a couple of things in parenting our teens, because I truly think we parent very closely because of unschooling or maybe because we have girls...I don't know...or our girls are actual similar. 

The biggest thing Becky taught me with all my readings and conversations and even posts were about respecting your own kids. I'm not sure I ever thought about if I respected my kids. I think I just kept looking at them as little kids, but they were growing right in front of my eyes. So why did I even think about if I needed to respect them? I just thought well, I'm mom and whatever I say goes. 

I played the "I'm mom card" for so long, that I didn't think about respecting them or their input. 

Frankly, I needed to learn to respect my kids, or I was going to lose their respect too. I was starting to see this, so I knew something had to change. This wasn't an easy process for me. It truly wasn't. It took some time. 

There have been plenty of times that our girls come to us for advice probably like a lot of parents. My husband and I decided that now that our girls are getting older, especially my oldest turning 16, we have got to release control in her everyday life too. Now don't get me wrong, we are an ear, a navigator, and certainly give her guidance, but ultimately she makes the decision, unless it's something serious to where we do have to step in, but I can't think of any instances lately. The connection with respect here is letting her own her decisions. Just her having the ownership in that, the outcome is usually good, because she is a good kid. And when it's not...she fails. And you know what?

You have to let them fail!

This is a big part of growing. She's going to mess up. She will make mistakes. But tightening the leash on her isn't going to help her, it's only going to hurt her. I'm not saying she won't have consequences, but yes, we even loosened up on those from our end a little too. There are usually natural consequences that happen when she fails that she has to live with. We felt that if we just kept tightening the reins every time she messes up, not only could she end up being a rebellious teen and self sabotaging herself, but she may not get the opportunity to fail and be really lost in the real world when she gets older.  

The last thing that I did want to bring up is I have a strong relationship with my kids. I let my kids talk to me and they feel comfortable doing it.

I did open up to my friend, Becky, on this one. Our kids seem to talk to us a lot. I knew that Becky had a similar relationship with her kids. Building a relationship with my child was always important to me, because I never felt like I had a good one with my mom. (Sorry mom if you are reading this.) Recently, it has been brought to my attention that I have been mom judged. We moms tend to do this and someone that I cared about relayed info to another mom that I was "too much of a friend" than a parent to my child. This hurt. The term friend is misrepresented. We grew up in a fear based society and a society that wants to control people. I think of this especially when it comes to religion, but I won't get on that topic here. To be honest, I used to control my kids with fear because that's how I was raised. I am not that person anymore. I did see where it was headed though. I do think that if I wouldn't have turned a different direction, I would have a rebellious teenager right now. I am not a friend to my daughters. I am, however, a confidant. This started when my girls were very young. When they were asking questions, I wanted to give them the answers, because I wanted to make sure they got the right answers from me instead of going to someone else. So I guess this built their trust with me. I am not all "buddy buddy" and gossipping to my girls about so and so's troubles. I do however give advice because they do talk to me and tell me quite a bit. I don't step into their situations, but give them guidance on how to handle it. If I don't know the right answer, we'll even meet with my husband, because I am careful in not wanting to steer her in the wrong direction. My husband and I still give my girls responsibilities and limits. They don't get to make all the decisions. They are still our children. My almost 16 year old tells my husband and I that our home is her safe place. Isn't that what we are supposed to try to have for our kids? My kids have never rebelled. They have made poor decisions, but as soon as they do, they own up to them. They aren't perfect, but they aren't going against me and defying me on purpose. They aren't trying to live it up behind my back and sneak around. I don't say no often when they want to go with friends or do things, but when I do, they don't argue back because they know if I say no, it's usually for a good reason.

So releasing control started with our journey when we unschooled. It has carried over to the way we do life. I will still tell everyone it's the best decision we made for our family at that time. But guess what? I'm not going to judge you if that doesn't work for you. This is what works best for our family.